The following post is written by my husband, Matt Hilbert (my first guest blogger!). In this post, he outlines 10 pieces of advice for the married seminary student. I am so thankful to have a husband who practices what he preaches and sees it as important to have a marriage that not just survives, but thrives throughout the seminary experience. I’ll be back next week with a post we wrote together on advice for the spouse of the seminarian. I pray you’ll be blessed and encouraged by what the Lord has taught us over these past three and a half years!
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Seminary is a great thing. Not many people have the blessing of dedicating the next several years of their life to studying God’s Word in such great depth. But this blessing doesn’t always feel like a gift. Sometimes it feels like a burden. The massive amount of energy and hours spent writing papers, studying for exams, fumbling through languages, and living in the library can add up and take a toll on many areas of your life. One of these areas that is often overlooked is the real challenges seminary can pose to your marriage. Though your spouse might not be in seminary with you, they will be profoundly affected by it, for good or for ill. While seminary is incredibly important, your relationship with your spouse is vastly more important and it is a shame that many succeed in seminary at the cost of that most precious relationship.
So how do we balance doing well in seminary and loving our spouse well? How do we pour ourselves into our school and still keep our marriage as our first priority? While this is certainly a challenge I believe it is possible. I’m by no means an expert and have made a lot of mistakes in my time at seminary. But looking back on the past three years of seminary and marriage, God has taught me a ton (a lot of which I learned the hard way!) and I wanted to share some of those things with you. So here are a few ways I believe you can cultivate a marriage that not only survives but thrives in seminary.
Advice for the Seminarian
1. Manage Your Time Well
Seminary takes up a ton of time by itself and chances are you will always be balancing things like a job, church, family, and a ton of other responsibilities on top of that. So it is imperative that you learn to use your time well. Avoid wasting your time and procrastinating. Try to remove distractions and carve out good chunks of time to work on school. Also, seminary takes up a huge amount of time, so try to limit what else you put on your plate as much as possible. If you can’t put a lot of time into it, you won’t get much out of it. Lastly, be intentional about the time you spend with your spouse. Make sure you regularly take time to connect with one another (and try your best to NOT think about school during this time!).
2. Align Your Schedules As Much As Possible
Try to align your schedules so that you can spend the maximum amount of time together. Often couples in seminary are working different shifts and can go days without seeing each other. While this is sometimes unavoidable, it is certainly not ideal. During seminary, my wife and I have always tried to work jobs that are on similar shifts. I’ve also tried to arrange my classes and my study times in order to get as much as possible done while she’s at work. This might mean passing up on a higher paying or more exciting job, but trust me, the extra time you will gain with your spouse is so worth it!
3. Show Your Spouse They Come First
Marriage is your first priority! It is important to not just believe this but to clearly demonstrate it to your spouse. This means that if they need you, be willing to drop everything for them, even if it means your grade takes a hit. No matter how important the assignment, they need to see that they are so much more important to you.
4. Thank Them often
Your spouse in sacrificing a ton so that you can go to seminary! You probably couldn’t be doing this without them! So make sure they know how much you appreciate all that they’re doing. Be sure to express your thankfulness to them and tell others how grateful you are for their support as often as possible.
5. Get Them Involved
Seminary is going to consume a lot of your life. Because your spouse is not attending seminary with you, they can quickly feel like seminary is this totally foreign world and while you’re having fun on the inside, they’re stuck on the outside looking in. This can be a lonely situation for both of you, which is why it’s important to invite them in to what you’re experiencing at seminary. Share what you’re learning in class. Ask for their feedback and ideas on assignments. Form friendships together with other seminarians and their spouses. This way seminary becomes not just your thing, but our thing.
6. Make Friendships Outside of Seminary
While it’s important to do what you can to get them involved in your experience at seminary, you don’t want both your lives to revolve around school. Having friends outside of seminary helps to give you balance and perspective.
7. Seek Ministry and Marriage Mentors
Remember, other people and their marriages have survived seminary! If possible, find a couple that’s been through seminary and ministered together for a little while. They’ll not only have experiential wisdom to help you navigate being married in seminary, but they can also be instrumental in preparing you and your spouse for ministry – which is the reason you’re going to seminary in the first place, right? For my wife and I, our pastor and his wife have been incredibly instrumental mentors in our lives who have taught us so much about marriage and ministry.
8. Encourage Your Spouse in Their Aspirations
You are getting to pursue your dream and go to seminary. And while seminary might not always feel like a dream (maybe a nightmare?), at the end of the day you are loving what you’re learning. It can be easy for your spouse to feel like you’re getting to have all the fun. While sometimes the demands of seminary might require them to put their dreams on standby, as much as possible try to encourage them to pursue their aspirations. After all, they’ve been a huge support to you in pursuing your dream to go to seminary, shouldn’t you return the favor?
9. Have Regular Check-Ups
In the busyness of seminary, other things might become a little blurred. It can be easy for us to feel like we’re doing a great job at balancing school with our marriage when in actuality our spouse feels quite different! Don’t assume things are going great. Regularly ask them to honestly tell you how they are doing and how you are doing as their spouse. Ask them questions like, “Am I balancing things well?” “Do you feel valued?” and “How can I love you better?”
10. Pray Often For Your Spouse and Your Marriage
You could do all the things on this list and still have a crappy marriage. Remember it is God who gives your marriage grace and life. Pray that God would sustain your marriage in the stresses of seminary. Pray that He would help you to grow, not just in knowledge of God’s Word, but in love for Him, for your spouse, and for your neighbor. Also, pray for your spouse often, that God will continue to sanctify and grow them as well.
Molly Ann Hilbert 