A Different Kind of Wonder (to my Evangeline)

My sweet Evangeline Grace,

I cannot believe that it has been over a year now since you came into our lives. And, yet, it has actually been much longer than that since your life began nine months before your eyes even opened in this physical world. In this past year + 9 months that your heart has been beating, God has changed my heart, too. While you were growing in my tummy and as you are continuing to grow now, God has been growing me, too (I’m talking about spiritual growth, although I did grow physically, too!).

And that’s why I’m writing this series of letters to you, little one. I want you to know how God is using you to change my life in the hopes that you will know more of His mercy and grace. I want you to be amazed at who He is and what He has done for me and what He desires to do for you. I want you to come to know and love Jesus, God in the flesh, who came to save sinners like you and me and who loved to sit and play and laugh with little children like you. I want you to know how much God is using you to grow me so that you will wonder and marvel at Him.

That’s the first thing God taught me through you, Evangeline. Wonder.

I am already somewhat of an expert when it comes to wonder. Not the wonder at seeing a gorgeous sunset or hearing a beautiful melody, but the type of wondering that often leads to worry.

I wondered whether my body could sustain your little, fragile life in pregnancy and then I wondered whether you would remain healthy through your birth. When you failed your first and second hearing tests, I wondered if you would be able to hear me whisper your name. When you lost 10% of your birth weight on the first day, I wondered if you would ever gain weight and make it home from the hospital. When we left the hospital and I got the call that you may have jaundice and have to go back to the hospital, I wondered if I would have to be separated from you. I wondered and worried about whether you would sleep through the night and when you didn’t, I wondered what chapter I had gotten wrong from the many books I had read. I wondered about whether I would be able to nourish you through breastfeeding and when it wasn’t always easy, I wondered what was wrong with me.

Evangeline, you have taught me a different sort of wonder. A wonder that leads to worship.

When I saw your heartbeat on the ultrasound screen for the first time, I wondered at the miracle of life. When you took your first breath outside the womb and I got to finally hold you in my arms, I wondered at the Lord’s goodness and grace to me. When you popped your first tooth and said your first word (“hi”) and rolled over for the first time and took your first step, I wondered and marveled at God as the Designer of your life. When you experienced the thrill of a playground swing and shrieked in joy at the ducks at the park, I wondered in awe at the beauty of life that God has placed around us. You have caused me to see things I have forgotten to see, Evangeline. Things that I should never forget to see, like the beauty of a first snow or the comfort of the pitter patter of the raindrops as we watch them fall on the sidewalk or the intricate and amazing design of all the different animals God decided to create. I have learned to marvel, as you do, at the rushing waters of the creek in our backyard and the airplanes flying over us that have taken us to see family so many times. I have begun to see again the beauty of the different colors of the flowers and the way the birds sing so joyfully in the spring and the way the leaves drop so whimsically from the trees in the fall. These are all things that you love and wonder at, Evangeline. Thank you for causing me to wonder anew at them, too. Because in my wonder of them, I have come to wonder at the Creator of them, the Creator of you. And in my wonder of God as our Creator, I have grown in my trust of Him as our Sustainer and in my love of Him as our Savior.

My prayer is that one day, you will too.

Sweet Evangeline, things will come into your life and threaten to dispel your wonder’s flame. Hard things. Sad things. Things that I will never wish to see you face. Whether that be a temptation or a persecution or a boy, things will come into your life that will threaten to dispel your wonder in and worship of Jesus. I pray that you will always choose the right way, even when that way will cause you pain or heartache – because it is in the pain and the heartache that God will become more of a treasure to you and your wonder of Him will be fanned into flame.

“By him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities — all things were created through him and for him” (Colossians 1:16). “He upholds the universe by the word of his power” (Hebrews 1:3), and “in him all things hold together” (Colossians 1:17).

Thank you for being the catalyst that has reignited my wonder in this world God has made and, as a result, in God Himself. I pray that you will never lose your wonder of life and that one day it will cause you to turn to God in worship.

Love forever and ever,
Mom